Politics and Work

Customer Service

Mark Bennett

Our next performer is currently working out of Toronto. He's promised to take us into the seedy world of the discount department store. So let's have a warm welcome for Mark Bennett.

Audio - 90 seconds

OR here is a text version»
I shouldn't have quit my last job - it was a chick magnet. I used to work over at Wal-Mart. Girls would walk in and you could tell what they were thinking: 'Look at him in that blue vest. <SNIFFF> He smells like discount prices.' No, a lot of women did come in, it's just that they were crazy as shit. Everyone is so hell-bent on 'customer satisfaction'. 'I demand customer service. This is terrible customer service. Where is my customer service? I demand it! I will not settle for anything less than complete and unending satisfaction!' This is an actual conversation I had with one woman: 'Um, now, when I'm at work, I often go from a warm environment to a cold environment...will this pen be equally as effective in each climate?' 'Well, That's a good question. When we had it in the lab...the test results were interesting - you'll like this - we cross referenced all the data and it showed that...that I make seven dollars an hour! Most of my co-workers don't have a high-school education. They're confused by the microwave in the breakroom. Do you see where I'm going with this? Buy the 30 cent pen before I stick it in your warm climate.'